Poor Self Image

My freshman year in high school I joined the cheerleading squad. The only reason why I made the team was because 12 people tried out when 10 made the squad. I couldn't tumble, dance, and my toe touches were terrible even though I practiced like my life depended on it. Needless to say I did not make the JV squad. I did not expect to make the team, only reason why I tried out was because of my "what the hell, why not" attitude I had about life.

This is a picture of my first day of ninth grade. I had been looking through old memory photos to find a picture of Freddie, our cat growing up, for a previous post. When I saw this picture I became very angry with myself. All of middle school and high school I thought I was chunky. As you can see in this photo I was not in the least bit. I remember being in the locker room after cheerleading practice thinking I am the fattest girl in here. How are all these girls sooo skinny? I work out as much as them and don't eat tons of junk. I was mad that I made myself think I was fat. I had always thought I hadn't let the photos of actresses or models get to me. I was proud of myself for that. I was in self-denial! Subconsciously, I let my peers, magazine covers and movies get to me.

I see girls in my classroom at age 10 already worried about what their figures look like, too skinny, flat chest, too much chest, too much tummy. I see them struggle to fit in with each other. There is way too much pressure on girls to look and act a certain way. Unfortunately it's other girls and women putting that pressure there. They can be mean, rude, catty, and just plain horrible to each other. I hope that in some form or another I help them feel beautiful and comfortable with themselves.

To those people that called me fat or chubby, shame on them. Looking at this picture I think it's just plain cruel to make a beautiful girl feel down on herself. Self esteem and self worth should not be related to pant size and a belly.

Now, I have the opposite problem. I have the image in my head that I am still a size 8/12. I go shopping and pick up a ton of cute stuff, not always trying it on first. When I do there is a majorly rude awakening. This baby fat is still here and being stubborn. I haven't been the greatest at controlling what I am eating but that needs to be where most of this weight loss occurs. I have no time to work out. I am already waking up at 530 am and refuse to get up any earlier. I get home at five and only have a couple precious hours to love on Andrew and breathe in that wonderful baby scent. I LOVE smelling his head. What am I suppose to do? Any readers have the solution? I don't need to by "skinny." I want to be healthy and I think that will take around 60 pounds. 25 pounds would be baby weight the other part is the chunk I got from the teachers lounge. *sigh* That is a long ways to go.

By the way the left side of my hair still folds under while the right side flips out.....